Calais to Schio Bike Ride – Day 7 of 9

Day 7 – Top of the Bielerhöhe Pass, Austria to the top of the Stelvio Pass, Italy (158km, 8hrs moving time, >3,000m vertical ascent)

It is perhaps no co-incidence that only one letter of the alphabet separates the term DMF (Dead Man’s Flick) from the phrase DNF (Did Not Finish). An inability to accept & overcome the former can rapidly lead to a demise which may result in the latter.

The first instance of a DMF occurred only 100m into the 24km climb of Passo del Stelvio.  At km8 the cries of “Bridge to engine room, more power please” went unanswered. The hallucinations started at km10, and by km15 a pirate ship passed in front of me, pulled by a herd of elephants. By km20 the angels of Stelvio carried my bags to the top of the pass.  The Grim Reaper himself was kind enough to accompany me for the final 2km.  But, most importantly, I made it.  Plenty of DMFs but no DNF.

For those who don’t know & perhaps don’t even care, the Passo del Stelvio from the side I rode is 24.3km long, with an average gradient of 7.3%. Starting height is 950m & finishing height of 2758m, making it the 2nd highest pass in the Alps. In the nearly 2km of ascent there are a phenomenal 48 switchbacks (compared to the 21 of Alpe d’Huez).

The day started well, with a rapid descent off the top of the Bielerhöhe pass, enabling the first 40km to be covered in under an hour. The most hazardous part of the descent was the regular whipping off & on of sunglasses before & after passing through the multitude of tunnels.  In the lead up to the day’s monster climb, I encountered numerous border crossings. At times I didn’t even know what country I was in. It felt like I was being moved around as if in a game of pass the parcel, or perhaps they thought I was a Somalian refugee, & were only too glad to pass the package to a neighbouring country.

But in the end, I’m just relieved to get to the top of this fearsome pass.  So a big thank you to Hannibal, the angels, Cap’n Blackbeard & anyone else who assisted my journey up here.  Your support will not be forgotten.

Calais to Schio Bike Ride – Day 6 of 9

Day 6 – Winterthur, Switzerland to the top of the Bielerhöhe Pass, Austria (180km, 9hrs moving time, 3,000m vertical ascent)

They were the best of times. They were the wurst of times.

Yesterday it rained. Today it RAINED. All day. Transformation from man on bicycle to drowned rat on 2 wheels took all of five minutes from commencing today’s ride. I’m sure the views were stunning, but when there’s no feeling in the toes & the gloves are soaked through, the focus is more on survival than appreciation of the scenery.

Passing through the Swiss villages & towns, I couldn’t help but notice that many of them have names that end in “hof”.  With the rain lashing down all around me, I’m sure I saw a few towns having very similar names and perhaps reflecting my mood at the time… “Hackedhof”, “Brassedhof” and “Pi$$edhof” (sorry Mum, it’s for comedy value only!) to name but a few. As I exited Switzerland, I reflected on the standard tourist check list – cow bells, check; fine tasting chocolate – check; precision & punctuality – check; poster for the Highland games – che…what? No kidding, I saw it with my own two eyes, 5th Sep in Kirchberg, don’t miss it. Apparently there’ll be a yodelling contest at the Braemar gathering in 2016.

And so onto Lichtenstein. My passage through it was so brief I managed to say “I’m in Lichtenst-” and then I was in Austria.

Austria. It was all about that final climb to the top of the pass where I am presently. On the approach to the climb I realised that I had just passed the 1,000km mark for this cycle trip. I celebrated by fishing out an Austrian delicacy from one of the pockets of my cycle jersey. Don’t worry, it wasn’t stollen, I paid the shopkeeper for it.   The climb itself was epic. 1,000m height gain in 15km. Now that’s a proper climb. Just a shame I’d already been cycling for more than 7hours before even starting the ascent. But, quite frankly, I love it.

I think that’s quite enough terrible gags for one day. Tomorrow – Stelvio pass, potentially the highlight of the trip.

Calais to Schio Bike Ride – Day 5 of 9

Day 5 – Ribeauvillé to Winterthur (204km, 8hrs 45mins moving time, 2,000+m vertical ascent)

It had been coming for some time, but it finally arrived at approx. 4pm local time: the darkest moment of the bike trip so far.  I had spent the last couple of hours in some forested area East of Freiberg, Germany. I still don’t know the name of the area but the climbs it contained were far more brutal & significantly longer than those I had encountered yesterday. When I found myself losing traction whilst cycling up a ridiculously steep gradient on a cycle path that contained nothing but gravel, that was it. Toys were launched out of the pram, the air was turned blue. Oh, & it was pouring with rain, as it had been from the moment I entered Germany. I still had another 80+ km to cycle at that point, the end to this day was nowhere near. Well, having a hissyfit is all well & good, but it gets me no closer to the end. So I pushed the bike up the incline, cursing my luck but at least making forward progress.

I guess it had been coming. Having slept through the morning alarm call, the day started later than planned. After emerging from my coma near Colmar, the peloton of one man & his two bags made their way through the region of Alsace. As far as I could see, the only thing that differentiates the villages of Alsace from their German brethren is the presence of a ‘boulangerie’ sign. Otherwise it all looked very Germanic to my untrained eye.

Such were the similarities that I hadn’t even realised I’d crossed the border into Germany until I stopped for a coffee. After being asked whether I wanted ‘ein gross cafe’ I initially thought that was a strange question, why, no, I’d like a nice coffee please. And then I put 2 & 2 together and got vier.  From that point on, and for the next 4 or 5 hours, Germany destroyed me. It sapped my energy to the point where I was screaming for mercy. Outfought, outflanked & ultimately outmanoeuvred, I beat a hasty retreat out of Germany, the euro zone & into the welcoming arms of neighbouring Switzerland. Call it a gre(g)xit.

And so, here I am, so very glad to be where I planned to be. For a long, long time today, I thought I wouldn’t get this far. But at 9pm I found a hotel room in Winterthur. The objective of reaching Schio by Weds night is still on. I live to fight another day.

Calais to Schio Bike Ride – Day 4 of 9

Day 4 – Pont-à-Mousson to Ribeauvillé (157km, 6hrs 20mins moving time, 1,700m vertical ascent)

They say a marathon can be split into two halves. The first half being 19 miles, with the remaining 7 miles being much shorter but equally as demanding on the body & mind as the preceding section. Today’s cycle had all the hallmarks of being similar to this: a relatively gentle start and a flat middle section, all leading to a sting in the tail supplied courtesy of the Vosges mountains. It was as if the day’s profile was initially prepared by someone using a ruler, a nice flat horizontal line. But then a 3-year old child was let loose with a crayon & delivered the finale with a great flourish of vertical swipes.

The day began, as always, at the breakfast table. A couple were chatting opposite me, & then the husband starting pointing at me and I heard the word ‘nancy’ being mentioned. My grip on the cutlery tightened, who does he think he is, is this boy looking for trouble? And then I realised, the town of Nancy was 20km down the road, en route to the Vosges Mountains, he must have known where I was going today. Put the fork down Gregory, and give the boy a smile…

The morning was over in a flash & before I knew it, I was having lunch in the town of Baccarat, famous for crystal but easily confused with the surname of the famous singer, Burt. After polishing off the 3-course menu du jour, I was off in search of the Vosges Mountains, with Mr Baccarach’s song ‘Say a Little Prayer’ for me ringing in my ears. Thanks Burt, I might need it.

The Vosges didn’t disappoint. I was hoping to leave the Dead Man’s Flick until the Alps, but it came into play today. For the uninitiated, it’s a reference to a gear shifting flick performed by ones fingers. Only, you’re already in your lowest gear. You have no more gears. You are crawling up a hill & go for the flick, but no gear change happens. You get the gist.
Suffice to say that the mountains were beautiful, the cycling challenging but worth the rewarding view at the top of the climbs. “Ballons des Vosges” as they are called for their rounded peaks – so easy on the eye, so deadly on the legs. Right, that’s me. Stick a forchette in me, I’m done.

Calais to Schio Bike Ride – Day 3 of 9

Day 3 – Sedan to Pont-à-Mousson (170km, 7hrs moving time, 1,050m vertical ascent)

The old adage “A bad day on the bike is better than a good day in the office” was under severe scrutiny for long periods of today’s bike ride. Last night’s hotel was called Campanile, & I awoke this morning to a stream of water running outside the hotel room door – it was indeed like camping by the Nile. The rain continued to fall throughout the morning as I made my way towards a non-descript village called Landres. It seemed to take an age to get there, I passed at least 10 villages en route, and didn’t see a soul in any of them. Plenty of tractors & agricultural machinery, but not one person. Should I knock on the doors & tell them the war’s over? I thought to myself. Nah, lycra wasn’t around the last time the locals saw daylight, they could be easily shocked so best not disturb them. I finally reached Landres after 50km, checked the map & realised I was in the wrong Landres…..oops. This could be a looong day. I then changed my end destination for the day – no longer will I enter Germany, instead I’ll keep on a South East track in France. A good old decoy manoeuvre that will take the unsuspecting jerries by surprise.

After another hour passing through lifeless villages, I was desperate to stop for a drink & a snack. And then I came to village number 15, this one looks bigger, ah yes, that sign looks like it has ‘Coffee’ written on it. Excellent, a nice slice of tarte au pomme & a fine double espresso, just what I need. As I got closer, I realised the sign actually read ‘Coiffure’….great, you can keep your short back & sides for now, I’ve got better things to do. And on to Verdun I went.

I’ve passed by more battlefields & cemeteries in the last 3 days than I’ve ever seen in my life. I stopped to doff my helmet by one of them yesterday, but the most striking one was just outside Verdun, the sight of the thousands of crosses rising from the ground was dramatic, the mist & rain just added to the reflective feel of the memorial. It would bring a tear to a glass eye.
Anyway, 3 days & nearly 500km down. So far, so good.

Calais to Schio Bike Ride – Day 2 of 9

Day 2 – Valenciennes to Sedan (157km, 6hrs moving time, 1,016m total ascent)

When I type ‘Garmin’ into the iPhone, the predictive text comes up with ‘Farming’. Co-incidence? Ha, I think not. After my agriculturally friendly GPS once again encouraged me to travel via the fields of North Eastern France, I entered a village that contained a sign which indicated that eggs were for sale. Ah, precisely, ‘an oeuf is an oeuf’, no more fields! And from that point onwards, the Garmin obeyed. Voila.

On the subject of eggs, I encountered a remarkable sight on one of the minor roads this morning – some small chicks, about 10 in total, lying on the road with their mother in close attendance. They had all hatched, no egg shells were in sight, some chicks were lifting themselves off the tarmac in a manner which suggested it was their first time walking, others were sitting motionless. And then, a car quickly approached heading straight for the immobile chicks! No! Wait! I made some frantic gestures towards the driver, hoping he would swerve to miss the chicks. And he did, phew. Yesterday’s miming practise wasn’t wasted after all. I’m just glad he hadn’t seen any episodes of The Office, as he may have confused my signalling for a David Brent dance.

As with most parts of France, the gastronomic delights are never far away. And so it came to pass that I started my afternoon journey feeling very satisfied with the lunch offering, known locally as ‘Le Big Mac’.  The afternoon was quite a fast-paced affair, cutting through the Ardennes forest on a main trunk road, which eventually led me to today’s destination, Sedan. “Have you seen Zenedine, the famous footballer?” I ask the locals. To which I’ve received quizzical looks, not sure why.

Calais to Schio Bike Ride – Day 1 of 9

Day 1 – Calais to Valenciennes – 165km.
Started at 09:20, finished before 18:00.
Surely many a traveller has uttered the words “The best part of Calais is the road out of it.” I quite agree. My relationship with the GPS started well, as it safely navigated my way out of Calais but, 20km down the road, as I was cruising along beside a canal, it suddenly advised me to cross the canal. I looked all around me, was there a bridge in sight? Nope. Oh, of course, I must have set the Garmin up in “bike/swim” mode, silly me. 5km of pedalling later and lo & behold, there’s a bridge. Great, now only another 5km to get back to where the Garmin wants me to be. Grrr.
After a 30km stretch of bumpy & gravelly towpath running alongside a canal was navigated before lunch, it was somewhat of a relief to get back to smooth tarmac once the tummy was filled. My tempestuous relationship with the Garmin GPS continued as I was diverted into a field and down a rutted tractor trail when transitioning from towpath & back onto the road. The scenery highlight was passing through the centre of Douai, with its eye catching buildings surrounding the canal. I saw a sign above a shop which read “Palais de Pain” which is actually a bread shop as opposed to a place where certain individuals would get their S&M kicks.
The most bizarre episode was reserved to the end of the ride. The petrol station beside the hotel does not allow anyone inside (at least not at 6pm at any rate), so I had several comedy moments when trying to direct the cashier to the salads, sandwich & biscuits that I wanted. It was like a poorly co-ordinated mime sketch.